A step towards overcoming fear...

Yesterday was horrible...

                            But it was so good, too.

After spending the night at Danny's apartment, I was invited to go wake boarding with him and his friends the next morning.
                                                         
                                                 Yes!!!  I thought. I can't wait!




After a while, though, it occurred to me that I had no idea where we would be. Where was this boat trip going to be held? I suddenly got nervous.
                                   What if...
                                           What if it's on a lake? 

I asked, and was returned with this answer:
                                          "No, we'll be on a river."

Oh, okay. I thought, trying to reason with myself. It's a river. Not a lake. I can do that, right?

Then we drove over a bridge, and they pointed out the river to me.

Crap.    Crap crap crap.

I felt my stomach drop as I looked out at the water. For some reason I had been picturing a creek, not a river. I hadn't been thinking of a great expanse of deep water. I swallowed and tried to give myself a mental pep talk.

    (Which basically means I refused to think about it. Refused to think about anything involving that river-which-might-as-well-be-a-lake. I worried that if i thought about it too much, I would chicken out before I even got there.)




               *Side note* Anyone who's known me long enough knows that since the 5th grade I've  had a stupid, unreasonable, crazy, unbelievably real fear of swimming in lakes. I can't explain it, it's just there. Reason and logic have little weight when used to combat this kind of fear, and I often feel embarrassed and idiotic when I try to explain myself. I try to make light of it or downplay it so that people won't judge me...
               But please, believe me when I tell you,
                                                                      it terrifies me.




I sat in the passenger seat and looked out the window as Danny drove and chatted with his friends in the backseat. I was tense and overwhelmed with what I knew laid ahead of me, but I didn't want to back down.

We got to the river and met everyone. We all hopped in the boat and backed into the water, and then we were off.

okay. So far so good. Besides, if I decide not to do it, I can always back out...

I sat in the back of the boat and watched as the first person went. I figured that if I watched them and copied exactly what they did, I would be able to get out of the water fast, and then I'd be okay.



I can do this. I'm fairly good at snow boarding and skate boarding, so how hard can this be?

                                       -Way harder than I ever expected.-


Another person went, and my heart started hammering as I realized that I was next.
I can skip it. no one will care if I don't do it. I'm content to just sit on the boat and get some sun. Yeah, they'll understand.

I argued with myself.

I've got to do it. I'll never forgive myself if I don't. I'll always wonder what it would have been like... Plus, I don't want them to think I'm chicken...

I took a deep breath and dragged my hand in the water, trying to convince myself that that was no different than the rest of me being in the water. I looked around me and bit my lip in jealousy. No one else was scared. They were all laughing and talking and joking around, completely unaware that I was on the edge of my seat with anxiety.

The girl before me got done and pulled herself into the boat, and I suddenly felt sick. I tried to swallow, but my mouth was dry. My stomach clenched tightly, I thought for a moment that I might puke.

"Are you ready?" Danny asked me. I offered him an uncertain, weak smile. Part of me wished that he would tell me it was okay if I didn't want to do it. Part of me wished someone would just throw me in so it would be over and done with. I turned and grabbed the life jacket from the girl as she worked on getting the board off her feet.

"Are you scared?" one of Danny's friends asked. I tried not to meet her eyes as I nodded and told her I was nervous.

Liar liar, pants on fire!

I actually remember that exact line running through my head when I told her that.

"Don't worry," the girl said as she handed me the board, a big smile on her face. I felt ashamed as I realized we were about the same age. "It's super fun. You'll get it in no time!"

Normally I would have felt some sort of friendly competition, some small ache inside that would have flared up and told me to try and do better than her...
                                    but all I felt was hopeless and humiliated.

I sat on the back of the boat and tried to strap myself into the board, but my hands felt numb and were shaking, and the girl had to help me with my second boot.

Then I sat on the boat and looked at the water, realizing that the moment had arrived. My heart was racing. It felt almost painful as it thumped against my chest. I held my breath and reached behind me for the rope bar.

This is it. I thought. There is no going back.I stood up, took another deep breath,

                                             And jumped.

As soon as I hit the water, any fear I'd been pushing back exploded. I heard Danny call out, "You okay?" and I managed a nod and a broken "Yeah". The boat started moving away, straightening out the rope.

My heart was beating super fast I felt my breath coming in shallow gasps. I've never hyperventilated before, but I knew that's what I was doing.


    


                  
                 Gol, just writing this is making me feel it all again.
                                             I keep having to take deep breaths to calm my heart...







I started begging God to let me get through this. To protect me and help me. I kept repeating the verse, "God has not given me a spirit of fear, but one of peace, love, and a sound mind".  I wanted more than anything to get out of the water and back into the boat. I wanted to call them back, but I my throat had closed.

Just get out of the water, just get up and out of the water.

I gripped the bar in front of me and pulled my knees to my chest, keeping my heels down like they told me. Danny was shouting something, but I couldn't hear him over my own raspy breathing.

Just get out of the water...

I nodded that I was ready, hoping that they could see it, because I couldn't talk.


GET OUT OF THE WATER!!!!


The motor started, and before I knew what was happening, I had let go of the bar in front of me.
My heart and mind screamed at me, and my entire body felt like it was pulsing.

The boat turned around and brought the bar back to me. They were telling me it was okay, and to try again, and giving me pointers, but I still couldn't make out their words. I was completely withdrawn into my mind, trying to regain control. My ragged breathing was just adding onto my stress, and I was scared if I didn't slow it down that I would pass out in the water.

I grabbed the bar and repositioned myself, then realized that my grip wasn't very strong. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't grab the shaft hard enough. It was as if I had lost control of my muscles, and it was yanked from my grasp again as the boat took off anew.

and this happened over and over and over and over.

I was glad that my face was wet, because more than once I was fighting tears of desperation and panic.

"My forearms are really weak," I commented once as they were bringing the bar back to me, thanking God that my voice came out stronger than I felt. I was calmer now, and no longer breathing fast.

But I was still frightened.

I think I nearly drowned with relief when they told me that I should come back in and let someone else go. I couldn't get to the boat or pull myself up fast enough. I got out of the water and pulled the board off my feet, then discarded the life jacket and helmet as well.

I'm never doing that again.

I felt like my whole body was shaking and I wearily plopped down on the seat. I felt depleted and disappointed. I had been wanting to try this for so long, and I couldn't even get out of the water. Part of me was embarrassed that I had wasted everyone's time and that they all thought I was scared of wake boarding, but I felt worse when I realized it was more logical to be afraid of that then to be afraid of the water itself.


I watched as Danny and another of his friends took a turn, and slowly my arms and legs stopped shaking, the adrenaline running out. I thought about how easy it looked, and I knew I could have done it if I had been somewhere else - like the ocean or something. I have good balance, and I'm stronger than most girls...

But that darn fear!

I hated it.

Not me, but the fear. I hated the fear.

When they asked me if I wanted to try again before we pulled in, I was hesitant to agree. Part of me wanted to, and part of me was desperately screaming, NO!

In the end, with some encouragement, I agreed, and somehow ended up in the water again.

This time, though, I was a bit more prepared. I slowed my breathing before it could really get going, and tried my best to concentrate. The first two times I lost the rope the same way I did previously, and I scolded myself as the boat had to come around.

I've got this! I can do this! I know what I'm doing wrong!

I gritted my teeth and gripped the bar as firmly as I could, my heart still beating fast.
                            I couldn't control that. It was always hammering...

I was able to get out of the water and up on the board 3 or 4 times, but I always lost my balance and fell shortly after.

I could hardly tell if it was any fun, being up on the surface of the water. If it was anything like snowboarding, I'm sure I would have liked it.

but I honestly - sadly - have to say that I didn't enjoy a single second of it.
                           
At the end of my turn, I got out of the water and waited once more for my body to stop shaking. I felt tears leak out of my eyes, but I faced the wind and let them dry up.




I haven't swam in a lake since just after 5th grade. This was the very first time I have been completely submerged since then. I've waded in the water - but never swam.

I like to think that I might try it again someday. That I might try and face my phobia again...

                 but it won't be for a while.
                        I don't know if I can take any more of it just yet.

I don't think I have ever felt fear like that. The kind that clouds your mind and makes you unable to think.  It's raw and undefined, illogical and unfounded. It comes from nowhere and everywhere, and you never realize how real it is until you actually feel it.

I think I still need time to fully appreciate what I put myself through - I can't figure out if I'm proud of myself, or disappointed that I still fear something so small.

But, I think that I've taken the first step in overcoming it.








And maybe, with God's help,
               
 
                                            someday I can beat this thing.